as i sat in rapt attention listening to my friend disclose last night's details that resulted in a very satisfied honeypot (hers not mine), i was yet again reminded of the bad sex that i had the misfortune of participating in this last saturday. let me say now, fellas if you feel it's a no go, DON'T DO THE SHIT, period. now that you all have seen how bad sex will fuck up a woman's week and get your shit put on blast - maybe not on the internet, but definitely to her girls - WALK AWAY FROM THE PUSSY. anyway, back to the lecture at hand. another gem that hs friend dropped after our coital debacle, was the above italicized line and it deserves repeating. "but the tongue part was okay, wasn't it?" i must be in the fucking twilight zone. what part of your dick not working gives you the audacity paired with the right to ask if your oral skills are on par with the rest of the kids that have dined at the y? you do not get a go, you do not get to collect $200. WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL HE WAS THINKING?!?!? you do not get a pat on the back and a dairy queen dipped cone because you failed reading but got a b- in music. you do NOT get kudos (or the drawers again, but i feel as though i'm beating a dead horse with that one).
God, why have i been cursed? people may think i'm playing, but i am really taking a silent prayer to God everytime i think back to saturday. is this karma? for what? in fucking, i have been respectful. i am an a-number one dick lover. i take the dick and all that it can do for me...i make it official and give it my love. my heart belongs to the dick-er-roni (please see Bobby Brown for specific reference - to a tenderoni not a dick-er-roni, it's not verbatim). i have never bitten a dick - although i have had good reason to - never cursed the dick, have always shown it proper respect. but i mean damn, there is only so much non-workingness a sister can take before she goes postal.
my honeypot is bitching. she is fucking cursing up a storm. nobody does us this way and walks away with his dignity. so i'm going to have to call hs friend today and tell him with the shenanigan that he pulled on saturday, yeah, he needs to lose my phone number. i'll be cordial when i see you, but as far as i'm concerned we shouldn't pursue ANYTHING OF A SEXUAL NATURE past this point. take care, peace, and good night, flaccid dick. this should be fun . . . now i can give him something to think about this week. it's kind of like the transferral of energy that morris chestnut pulled on vivica fox in "two can play that game." next time you hear from me, i'ma have some gaddam pep in my muthafuckin step. ol' bastard. in the words of that contemporary prophet, trick daddy, "you gon learn, you gon learn, but i gots to teach you."
So who's on my list? Let's start with the number one position:
1. (tie) brent This is the man that i most recently had sex with. need i say more? just like a house, your pipe should be working at all times. i am not a plumber. i am not going to wait for you to get your shit in working order. please don't try to thread a pipe with a 1/2" diameter into a 2" pipe. little pipes should not try to be bigger than what they are. as a friend of a friend once said, "don't play with the big dogs when you're pissing with the puppies!" besides, sex comes with a one strike rule. one strike and you're out. pussy shuts down. the pussy will never work for you again.
1. (tie) eddie example of a black man with a big dick that he has absolutely no idea how to use. so i had sex with him initially about six or seven years ago. then i decided to do it again. what the hell was i thinking? definitely was a mental malfunction. so mr. h. has gained roughly fifty to sixty pounds since our last encounter. first of all, if you have a problem with pre-cum, let a woman know that before she starts to suck your dick. pre-cum is not sexy. i don't think so and most of my female friends would agree. so, don't get offended if we spit the shit back out onto your dick, or we stop giving you head - the shit is nasty. secondly, your penis is not a sword and my pussy is not your sheath. i felt as though he was purposely cutting my insides with his dick. thirdly, don't breathe on or into my pussy and think that that is oral sex. aside from the health risks associated with blowing in my cunt, it doesn't do much for me. be mindful and treat the pussy as you want your dick to be treated. i've never blown into the tip of a penis and don't plan on it. how many fellas out there are down for a dick-tip breeze? open up the tip and blow. gross. where am i in the count? fourth, i believe. so the next piece of advice: DON'T PUT YOUR FUCKING FINGERS UP MY ASS. this is probably a personal preference, but i don't like it. maybe i would like it, doubtful, but maybe if it didn't feel like he was trying to punture my anal lining. in this instance, keep your fingers to yourself. if you feel as though you have a hankering to play at the backdoor, start with your own house before you move to your neighbor's house. and, as always, ask before you come in. the biggest reason this was one of the worst all-time dicks ever: can we say asthma attack, children? WHO THE FUCK HAS AN ASTHMA ATTACK DURING SEX? i'm sincerely trying to get off and he has to get off me in search of his inhaler. if your asthma is that bad, either lose weight or don't have sex. you're better off choking your chicken than forcing a woman to contemplate what she will tell your parents and the paramedics about why you were rushed to the hospital and died en route. i like mr. h.'s mother, deeply respect her. how could i tell her my pussy is just so good your son got lost, had an asthma attack, and passed on? not only did he use the inhaler once, but THREE times. after the second time, i was just trying to get him off me and besides my anus was throbbing from the puncture probing. here's to you mr. h.! i faked an orgasm to save your life.
3. tarskii (a.k.a. tarski, tee) ONE MINUTE BROTHA! need i say more? yes! i was so underwhelmed by my sexual encounters with mr. j. the size of his penis wasn't horrible. on the thin side, but not horrible. he was one that didn't do a good job with oral sex, either. in fact, he would play in my pussy for a few seconds and then expect head. so, one time i allowed this to happen. we were in his dorm room, trying to fuck. i got over myself and ignored the fact that two of his three roommates were home. i have taken so many for my honeypot... i thought maybe the voyeuristic element would add to the moment. so, he goes down for i know what has to be three minutes, maybe less. then he guides my head to his dick. i began my oral love talent. IN LESS THAN ONE MINUTE, THE BASTARD COMES IN MY MOUTH!...without the generosity of notification. i think that my ability to make a man come is powerful. i am dutiful and take this charge seriously. do not repay the favor by ejaculating in my mouth without letting me know and giving me the option of spitting, swallowing, or jacking you to orgasm. so i get up and loudly spit in the bathroom. i come back expecting him to be hard or at least be willing to eat me out. when i come back, he is dressed and tells me that he is going downstairs and he would be back in a few. i could hang out and take a nap. nap for what?!? i wasn't tired nor satiated. what do i need sleep for? i'm ready to fuck, not sleep. i need an orgasm not a bit o' shuteye. so i left. as i walked through the courtyard of his building he saw me leaving. he runs out and asks me where i was going saying that he left me to take a nap. i told him that i was going to stop by the drugstore for some batteries and i was going home to spend some quality time by myself. believe it or not, he didn't get it. HE DIDN'T GET IT. he hugs me and tells me to have a good night. he would see me later. he called me later that evening and asks me if i was alright. he noticed that i seemed a little hurried when i left. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS? i was trying to fuck . . . however, it was that sexually-frustrating experience that prompted me to invite mc over the next night. and boy am i glad that i did. so i thank tarskii karlon. without the worst sex in the world, i wouldn't have encountered the best sex in my world to date. i certainly do 'ppreciate ya!
4. celestia big ass man...wittle, wittle wee-wee. he boasts being 6'3 and 1/2" and 230 pounds. however, he has a 5 1/2-inch dick. every time we had sex, i would be thoroughly pissed. i never knew why. now that i am a fully developing sexual being (meaning i know what my body is capable of), i know why i was pissed. i never had an orgasm. dr. sue johanson says that women don't need a man with a big dick. actually two or three inches will suffice because all of the nerve endings are at the opening of the vagina. but, sue, there is something to be said for feeling full when one has sex. yeah, mr. w. definitely doesn't make me feel full. oh, and he is absolutely the worst as eating out. the shit is pitiful. you want to talk about pissed off. usually when a man's sex is below average, women can fall back on the oral orgasm. but his oral skills are lacking. . . a lot. it's like he's afraid of the pussy. get in there, see what it's about, explore, have a good time. if there are any men, or women for that matter, that are wondering how to perform good oral sex on a woman. PUT THE CLITORIS IN YOUR MOUTH. all of that let me stick my tongue in your baby cavern is a waste of time. put a dick there not your tongue. now, i'm not saying that it doesn't feel good. but all this intentional placement of the tongue is bullshit and isn't going to get me off. and another thing, do not just lick at the clitoris. the clitoris needs constant and consistent pressure. it's the same as a woman licking your penis like a lolly-pop. shit feels okay, but after a while, you're going to need some suction. mr. w. definitely has no suction or other mentionable skills.
5. jamar please, please, please do not talk shit that you cannot back up! please! ladies beware THREE MINUTE BROTHA! which is more frustrating than the one minute brotha because the longer sex lasts, the more you think that you are going to orgasm. if he only lasts a minute, then you're pissed, but you weren't really that into it. and, if his oral skills are on point, you're not too pissed. he still wouldn't be able to stay the night, but the night wouldn't be wasted. but the three minute brotha, at three minutes things are starting to come together. you're thinking uh-oh. he's getting his stroke... yeah, but you can't finish the thought because . . . HE'S DONE. oh, and another thing, ladies, he's uncircumsized and doesn't eat out. how disappointing. mr. j. has intelligent conversation but severely underdeveloped sexual acumen.
this morning is a good morning. i am quietly contemplative. i desire pancakes. really good pancakes with good butter and real maple syrup. i am still pissed about hs boy's inability to perform. it is so disapponting to know that some men have penises and cannot use them. i take sex so seriously. what i mean by that is that i'm not going to start something that doesn't end well for me or my partner. i have talent. i do. i'm good and i know it. this is not conceit, merely the truth. it's taken me a while to enjoy sex and now that i do, i do what makes me happy and having an orgasm is what makes me happy. i'm frustrated. i know what my issue is.
i was using him for sex and he couldn't deliver.
i feel that when women want sex - truly want sex, men should be able to perform. while i recognize that this places an unrealistic expectation on men, it is my expectation. i'm upset because i had my mind made up to have an orgasm last night and he ruined it. did he ruin it, or did i? to me, not all orgasms are created equally and an orgasm from manual stimulation or oral sex is really not the same as a orgasm stimulated by a penis in my vagina. that was the orgasm that i was looking for last night. when he was trying to remain hard and i was close to orgasming, he was like "man, you're strong." that's what vaginal walls are supposed to do, idiot. i don't know if i will ever see him or talk to him again. so let's see what i can remember of the night . . .
so he calls me when i am on the road from my parents' home back to my residence. in a sober moment, i realized that i was horny and wanted to have sex. so i answered his call. he asked me what i was doing this weekend. i told him that saturday would be a good day to hang out. why a good day? because i had already determined that we were going to do the do. so we disconnected from each other understanding that i would call him when i was back in town and settled (which was only about 1 1/2 hours from that time). i wasn't excited about seeing him because i don't really like him. but i wanted to get off. that's it.
so after i finish putting the smoked turkey from the holiday in the fridge and with my sister off to work, i decide it's time to blaze up. so i pack a bowl and let the good times roll. i'm going to have sex with a man i find barely attractive so i will embrace whatever will get me there. as i elevated my then-present state of mind, all i could think about was mc. i know i've said it before, but he has a beautiful penis. on a side note, i must admit that i am truly embodying omniscient gratification, supreme sophistication, and elegant assertiveness in my decision to take what i want sexually. it is truly liberating and an embodied state that needs more developing, but still it is one that i have chosen to fully manifest. anyway, i think that the herbal preparation was one way to allow me to get over hs friend and focus on the good times i've had with mc. anyway, i call him, give him directions, and prepare to get ready.
usually i am pretty good with trying to look presentable for any man that i am accompanying out for the evening. even if we are just friends, i will try to look nice. what man wants a homely curmudgeon on his arm even if she is just a friend? so, i was so unimpressed with my companion that i didn't even put on eyeliner or fill in my eyebrows. i did however, remove the excess hair on my body (just my legs and my armpits - my honeypot is still short due to a two and a half week old brazillian). so he gets here and we go back to his place to ingest more herbal supplements. so i am definitely feeling no pain. we then head out to fridays to eat. now, i'm thinking to myself that it would be nice from time to time to have him take me out and pay for everything in addition to get my rocks off. that was before his foiled sex attempt.
at dinner, he asks me how he can see me more often. shit. i thought how the hell am i going to get out of this one? i only want to use him for sex when i'm horny. i don't want to have to go out with him. i don't want to get to know him. but willing to take one on the behalf of a satisfied honeypot, i tell him he has to be more dilligent in his attempts to try to catch up with me. now, let me be honest. most of the time when he calls me, i ignore his calls. but i'm thinking tell him what he wants to hear. that will set you up for good sex tonight. what the hell was i thinking, right? so in the end, he asks for sex, i agree and we head back to his place.
so we get there and start messing around. his oral sex skills were okay. i don't remember them being extraordinary. i had a teeny, bite-sized orgasm. but i'm saving myself for the vaginally stimulated orgasm because i know what i like. so then he starts to get himself a little more hard. now, i know he wants oral sex. but do i act like i do? no. i'm not giving him head. i don't even really like the look of his penis that much. so i must reflect on the beauty that is mc's penis. it's so heavy and full of life. i love the feel of it in my mouth. i could fellate him for hours on end, i love his penis that much. he definitely has one of the best penises i have ever seen up close and personal. but hs friend is not mc. so finally he is able to become erect enough to penetrate me.
now, here's where things proceed downhill rather quickly. so, he's inside me. i'm not focused on him, i'm focused on my own glorious feelings. it was getting pretty good. . . for me. i don't know what the fuck was going on with him and, quite honestly, i didn't care - at all. so i have a tendency to emit love juice (or squirt/gush) when i orgasm. but, in order to do so, i contract my vaginal walls pretty tightly. so tight, in fact, that i push most men out. now, mc could handle this. that's probably i came over twenty times with him AND blacked out. but, we aren't talking about him. so, i'm about to get a really good orgasm and i start to push him out. he withdraws his rinky-dink penis and stops. he kind of chuckles and says "wow, you're strong." what the fuck? what the fuck? who says that? i want to kill him at this point. you are fucking with my orgasm here asshole. so then he gets back in and. . .what happens you ask? he comes. he comes. i was hot as hell.
so i'm trying to be compassionate and i ask him if he's finished for the night. he tells me that he doesn't know what's wrong, maybe he just needs some rest. are you serious? so we lay there for a minute and i tell him to go get a flick, maybe that will help him get to where he needs to be. then, he asks me if i give head. do i? yep. will i for him? maybe, we'll see. i tell him not to rush me. just because the man on the flick is getting head doesn't mean that it's time for him to get head. plus, the men on that flick were well-endowed. they deserved head. a man with a big beautiful penis that gives a woman the most bliss that she can hangle inside of the milliseconds that compose the seconds and minutes that crest as an orgasm - a penis like that deserves oral loving. that's how i feel about mc's penis. that's why i would give him head for hours on end. i absolutely love his penis. but this isn't about him. so i tried to give him head. he couldn't even get hard and i know i have skills. he says again, rather frantically, i don't know what's the matter with me. then, ladies and gentlemen, he chuckles. this shit is not funny . . . at all. i take my orgasms very seriously and you are fucking around with my emotions. so i put my clothes on. i try one more time to get him aroused. i try positive reinforcement. i tell him that i want him. that he can do it. that he has a nice penis (all lies of course). nothing works. then he says to me,
and, of course, we won't tell anybody.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! if there was a website for BDRs (Bad Dick Reports) he would be on the top ten list. so we go to see "just friends." it wasn't a bad movie, however, i was pissed that i didn't get off. so needless to say, he dropped me off and told me he'd call me. you just try dickwad, no more pussy for you.
so i cannot lose this feeling. i received a call from my hs friend. i thought that i would have sex with him. my decision was made during a time of sobriety. so anyway, we go to his house and then out to eat, then back to his house. so he starts fumbling with my tits. it's okay. well, no, it feels damn good. so he proceeds to "dine at the y." it's okay. well, he did a pretty decent job. however, i have not been fucked tonight. he came quick and couldn't get it back up. plus it was extremely difficult for him to even get it up. you want to talk about someone who is pissed off and frustrated. i am so pissed off. i love sex and he messed up my night. i could have called someone else for this. it was just so bad. then, he proceeds to tell me that he's nervous and stressed and cannot perform. i think my favorite thing that he said was when after he was sure his dick wasn't going to work, he told me not to tell anyone. what the hell? i'ma need you to get your shit together and then try to give me a call. why is it that the men i am with cannot keep it up? the same thing happened with mr. j. the only one that could hang with me was mc. oh good lord. that man has the best penis ever. i think that if women were having good sex, the would marry a man because of his sexual performance. i love mc's penis. i absolutely love it. it sings to me. it makes me want to be a better person, just so long as i could have it every day. that would truly make me the happiest person in the world. i mean, for real though. why don't these men's dicks work. i am not that intimidating that men cannot perform around me. i just want to fuck. no strings. no crying because someone lets his feelings get in it. i've also decided that i am not going to fuck a man with a small dick. i will not do it to myself. i deserve the best and a 6" dick is going to piss me off. i think that there is someone for everyone and the person for me is bigger than 7" and very, very wide. i also like very hard dicks. none of this soft namby-pamby shit. get it up or get out. tonight with him, it was just a waste of time. and then he has the audacity to tell me not to tell anyone? get your dick to work and i won't have anything to tell anybody. whatever. no more non-fuckers. which brings me back to mr. hawkins...
so i text messaged him on friday and he didn't respond to the message. i think that our hugs before he left to go home were friendly and no more. or maybe he's busy and doesn't have time to respond. bullshit, if he wanted to respond, he would, period. there isn't another explanation. maybe i'll still hear from him soon. i still can't believe that hs has horrible sex. what the hell? men, if your shit don't work...don't try to use it. i am seriously hungry. that muthafu@&a wasted my time. never again. i'm not so sure that he will get the answered call the next time he calls. i mean, what the fu@k? i'ma need you to know what the hell it is you are doing. but, i guess it is what it is.
what is it about him that attracts me to him to strongly? i'm in such a pisser. let's see...what else? the way he hugged me made me want him more. am i twelve or not? let's see, what else? i don't think that there's much more to it. i'm sure i'll have something to say a little later on, if i don't pass out first.
i am convinced that all women need good sex, period. most women, however, don't get it. i've had really amazing sex in my life. i've had sex so good that i almost never want to have sex again for fear that i will feel as though i am cheating myself by having "just alright" sex. what if the next man isn't as good as or better than the best man. is it worth my time to try to find out? why is it that the best man isn't the right man? the best man was good, really good. better than great. he had a really nice penis. a really, really nice one. i have never seen or felt a penis as heavy as his.his penis wouldn't even rise, it was so heavy. i'm not trying to ve vulgar. not really. this is like an ode. and ode to his penis. i want to have his penis all the time, everyday. i've never truly enjoyed fellatio as much as i like performing it on him. my mouth barely goes half way down his shaft before i'm gagging. i have a really small mouth and my jaws begin to hurt after a while. but here's the kicker...i don't want to stop. it's almost like i can't stop. then, i feel like i have to thank the penis for the work it has done, does do, and will continue to do, so i suck it just a little bit more. i love his penis. i love it. the sex is so good, i would be worth marrying him just because i know i would have really good sex on the regular. that is why i am convinced that people who say that sex cannot make up for a lack of friendship in marriage haven't had good sex. so this post really has to do with him - the new one. what if his sex isn't as good as the other one's sex. mc's was the best. what if mr. hawkins isn't hitting at anything? wouldn't that be the worst. it hurts my feelings to think about it. i must say that it strange to have a man really want to get to know me. it's hard to decide between the two of them. i don't really even know if i have that choice. but anyway. back to him - the new one. i didn't know how very bad the movie showgirls actually was. now i know. anyhoo...so mr. hawkins... if he were closer to my age, i wouldn't feel so bad using him for sex. however, him being younger puts him in a whole other category. i don' t want to hurt him. and besides, what if he cannot perform in the bedroom? that would make me so very unhappy. he likes to talk during sex...that's such a turn on. he told me so. he asked his ex in bed if the man she had cheated on him with was better than him. she said no. the way she's acting now, though, she wouldn't have lied about it. but then again, if it were truly the bomb, she wouldn't be acting the way that she is. she'd be trying to get back with him, dying to let him hit it. he's so much fun too. he's like a little kid. that's because he is a little kid.
i feel pretty good right now.
so back to mc. oh lord have mercy. he is such a good fu@%. he's a man that i truly respect. i just know that we will never be together. that makes me sad. i love being with him. it's not because of the sex, although that is a very big of it. he is simply fun to be around. gotta go home now. i'll post a little later on.
i am that lady that lady that lady electic blue flows hot through my thighs electric current singed infinite speed whoosh whithdrawal thrust into the cosmos won't you go with me live in me oh my heart wearing trust delicately spread and waiting i am waiting for the feeling to overtake you as you breathe the last breath flowing from soft supple lips outline an "o" that has swallowed the "t" that gently touches my "y" ...kk on yo' zippah it was a she that gave she the her that whispered in her left ear that forever marks the demarcation of you as you and you marked as mine you to me as mine become mine and fall out of the . . . lucy in the sky with diamonds
suspended in slow motion, i await u will call me tonight let me suck that breath fresh from the lips like the tips that drink the honey you drank last night after i cut my finger and a small drop of my blood dripped silently to your chest and branded you you to me and i swallowed softly swayed wishing to be held free.
