BDRs

Bad Dick Reports (BDRs)

So who's on my list? Let's start with the number one position:

1. (tie) brent
This is the man that i most recently had sex with. need i say more? just like a house, your pipe should be working at all times. i am not a plumber. i am not going to wait for you to get your shit in working order. please don't try to thread a pipe with a 1/2" diameter into a 2" pipe. little pipes should not try to be bigger than what they are. as a friend of a friend once said, "don't play with the big dogs when you're pissing with the puppies!" besides, sex comes with a one strike rule. one strike and you're out. pussy shuts down. the pussy will never work for you again.

1. (tie) eddie
example of a black man with a big dick that he has absolutely no idea how to use. so i had sex with him initially about six or seven years ago. then i decided to do it again. what the hell was i thinking? definitely was a mental malfunction. so mr. h. has gained roughly fifty to sixty pounds since our last encounter. first of all, if you have a problem with pre-cum, let a woman know that before she starts to suck your dick. pre-cum is not sexy. i don't think so and most of my female friends would agree. so, don't get offended if we spit the shit back out onto your dick, or we stop giving you head - the shit is nasty. secondly, your penis is not a sword and my pussy is not your sheath. i felt as though he was purposely cutting my insides with his dick. thirdly, don't breathe on or into my pussy and think that that is oral sex. aside from the health risks associated with blowing in my cunt, it doesn't do much for me. be mindful and treat the pussy as you want your dick to be treated. i've never blown into the tip of a penis and don't plan on it. how many fellas out there are down for a dick-tip breeze? open up the tip and blow. gross. where am i in the count? fourth, i believe. so the next piece of advice: DON'T PUT YOUR FUCKING FINGERS UP MY ASS. this is probably a personal preference, but i don't like it. maybe i would like it, doubtful, but maybe if it didn't feel like he was trying to punture my anal lining. in this instance, keep your fingers to yourself. if you feel as though you have a hankering to play at the backdoor, start with your own house before you move to your neighbor's house. and, as always, ask before you come in. the biggest reason this was one of the worst all-time dicks ever: can we say asthma attack, children? WHO THE FUCK HAS AN ASTHMA ATTACK DURING SEX? i'm sincerely trying to get off and he has to get off me in search of his inhaler. if your asthma is that bad, either lose weight or don't have sex. you're better off choking your chicken than forcing a woman to contemplate what she will tell your parents and the paramedics about why you were rushed to the hospital and died en route. i like mr. h.'s mother, deeply respect her. how could i tell her my pussy is just so good your son got lost, had an asthma attack, and passed on? not only did he use the inhaler once, but THREE times. after the second time, i was just trying to get him off me and besides my anus was throbbing from the puncture probing. here's to you mr. h.! i faked an orgasm to save your life.

3. tarskii (a.k.a. tarski, tee)
ONE MINUTE BROTHA! need i say more? yes! i was so underwhelmed by my sexual encounters with mr. j. the size of his penis wasn't horrible. on the thin side, but not horrible. he was one that didn't do a good job with oral sex, either. in fact, he would play in my pussy for a few seconds and then expect head. so, one time i allowed this to happen. we were in his dorm room, trying to fuck. i got over myself and ignored the fact that two of his three roommates were home. i have taken so many for my honeypot... i thought maybe the voyeuristic element would add to the moment. so, he goes down for i know what has to be three minutes, maybe less. then he guides my head to his dick. i began my oral love talent. IN LESS THAN ONE MINUTE, THE BASTARD COMES IN MY MOUTH!...without the generosity of notification. i think that my ability to make a man come is powerful. i am dutiful and take this charge seriously. do not repay the favor by ejaculating in my mouth without letting me know and giving me the option of spitting, swallowing, or jacking you to orgasm. so i get up and loudly spit in the bathroom. i come back expecting him to be hard or at least be willing to eat me out. when i come back, he is dressed and tells me that he is going downstairs and he would be back in a few. i could hang out and take a nap. nap for what?!? i wasn't tired nor satiated. what do i need sleep for? i'm ready to fuck, not sleep. i need an orgasm not a bit o' shuteye. so i left. as i walked through the courtyard of his building he saw me leaving. he runs out and asks me where i was going saying that he left me to take a nap. i told him that i was going to stop by the drugstore for some batteries and i was going home to spend some quality time by myself. believe it or not, he didn't get it. HE DIDN'T GET IT. he hugs me and tells me to have a good night. he would see me later. he called me later that evening and asks me if i was alright. he noticed that i seemed a little hurried when i left. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS? i was trying to fuck . . . however, it was that sexually-frustrating experience that prompted me to invite mc over the next night. and boy am i glad that i did. so i thank tarskii karlon. without the worst sex in the world, i wouldn't have encountered the best sex in my world to date. i certainly do 'ppreciate ya!

4. celestia
big ass man...wittle, wittle wee-wee. he boasts being 6'3 and 1/2" and 230 pounds. however, he has a 5 1/2-inch dick. every time we had sex, i would be thoroughly pissed. i never knew why. now that i am a fully developing sexual being (meaning i know what my body is capable of), i know why i was pissed. i never had an orgasm. dr. sue johanson says that women don't need a man with a big dick. actually two or three inches will suffice because all of the nerve endings are at the opening of the vagina. but, sue, there is something to be said for feeling full when one has sex. yeah, mr. w. definitely doesn't make me feel full. oh, and he is absolutely the worst as eating out. the shit is pitiful. you want to talk about pissed off. usually when a man's sex is below average, women can fall back on the oral orgasm. but his oral skills are lacking. . . a lot. it's like he's afraid of the pussy. get in there, see what it's about, explore, have a good time. if there are any men, or women for that matter, that are wondering how to perform good oral sex on a woman. PUT THE CLITORIS IN YOUR MOUTH. all of that let me stick my tongue in your baby cavern is a waste of time. put a dick there not your tongue. now, i'm not saying that it doesn't feel good. but all this intentional placement of the tongue is bullshit and isn't going to get me off. and another thing, do not just lick at the clitoris. the clitoris needs constant and consistent pressure. it's the same as a woman licking your penis like a lolly-pop. shit feels okay, but after a while, you're going to need some suction. mr. w. definitely has no suction or other mentionable skills.

5. jamar
please, please, please do not talk shit that you cannot back up! please! ladies beware THREE MINUTE BROTHA! which is more frustrating than the one minute brotha because the longer sex lasts, the more you think that you are going to orgasm. if he only lasts a minute, then you're pissed, but you weren't really that into it. and, if his oral skills are on point, you're not too pissed. he still wouldn't be able to stay the night, but the night wouldn't be wasted. but the three minute brotha, at three minutes things are starting to come together. you're thinking uh-oh. he's getting his stroke... yeah, but you can't finish the thought because . . . HE'S DONE. oh, and another thing, ladies, he's uncircumsized and doesn't eat out. how disappointing. mr. j. has intelligent conversation but severely underdeveloped sexual acumen.