Why? WHY??!?!

So, I made a mistake. I can admit that. I met someone from an internet dating site. Now, that wasn't my mistake. My mistake was getting out of the car. His words about his car were "Um, I was hit by a bus. I got a settlement, but I'm waiting until later in the year to buy a new car." Now this may very well be true, but that didn't explain the car seat in the backseat of the car. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE the kids. But, he lied on his profile. So at this point, I'm only at double damn. Well, at the end of out meeting in a Quizno parking lot--his suggestion, not mine--we hug. Now that was a great experience. He had an amazing back--very muscular. his back was so unlike the last back that I experienced. HE couldn't even "finish" without his heart thundering in his chest, but that's a story for another post. Anyway, back to the bi-state back... After our hug, I looked at his feet. He had nice shoes and big feet. He was 6' with about a size 11+ shoe. He wasn't my "type" but at the end of the day, I thought--"Well, at least I can fuck him."

To make a long story short, I ended up at his house that evening. Now, Aunt Flo has graciously decided to pay me a visit, so there wasn't going to be any hanky panky, but I could at least see what he was working with. Well, I walk in, he pulls me into a loose embrace and backs me against a wall. He gnashes his teeth against mine. He doesn't kiss me, he sticks his tongue in my mouth and again uses his teeth to strike at mine. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??

Then, he begins to bite my neck. This isn't your regular nibble, these are full out bites. My shirt came up and he started to bite my nipples. Then, he bites my sides. I yell out in pain. There's being nibbled and there's being BITTEN. This muthafucka BIT me. Now, it's been a minute since I've had a hickey, I was fourteen, in fact. But what was on my neck far surpassed a hickey. One woman asked me if I had a wasp bite on my neck. I was too pissed off to say anything other than, "yeah, um-hmm."

Well, here's the kicker. I ask him what his favorite position is and he shows me. He sits me in his lap and proceeds to grind against my ass which I couldn't feel as a result of Aunt Flo setting up camp. Then he busts out with...

"Am I enough for you?"

Wait, WHAT??!?!?!!? So I gracefully dismount to turn around and palm his crotch. Before I could censor myself, I felt the words come out but I was incapable of reeling them back in...

Where are you?

He looked a bit disappointed as he unzipped his pants to show me. But not nearly as disappointed as I was when he showed me his binky. I wanted to shout from the highest point in the Grand Canyon to assure maximum echo "HELL THE FUCK NO, YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR ME." I think he could intuit my reaction because he started to jack himself a bit and told me that he wasn't even excited to see me. Hunh? For real? I don't think that any level of excitement could prepare him for any woman to feel him in her pussy. Period.

Shortly after seeing his ding-ding, I had to go. Why won't he stop calling me? Why is he sending me email? That happened on Thursday of last week. It's Monday. If you've been calling me between two and four times a day and I haven't responded, then I'm probably not going to respond. Why do men do this? They do the same thing when they don't want to be bothered with a woman. I know, I've been ignored before. What does he want from me? Does he want me to tell him his dick is too small. While the my honeypot is not quite the size of the Grand Canyon, I do want to feel a man inside of me. I know for a fact that he would get lost inside of me. Hell, I think that he would get lost in a condom. No, seriously.

He says he called me a few time and noticed that I didn't return his calls. He wants to know what he's done to upset me. He pretended he had a grown man's dick. He told me that he was well-endowed. Really, dog? For real? You can't play baseball with a souvenir bat.

Women, have you ever noticed that men with a crotch blessing never talk about it? They are content to let to experience the ophidian. I'm going to come up with an application and the first question will be: Dick Measurement:__________(those under 6 1/2 inches need not apply). Then I can get his name and other pertinent information.