Hijinx and Mayhem

I have a list of top sexual experiences. It would be a shame not to share them. And, yes, they are ranked...

1. I had a man lick the arch of my foot between licking my pussy and...licking my pussy. Now, for those of you that don't have a foot fetish, don't get turned off. This man wasn't into feet but rather reflexology. The arch of the foot is directly related to a woman's reproductive system. So, he didn't suck or bite the arch. He simply paid it a little attention. Then, he set off on his merry way to eat the hell out of my pussy. Each, alone would have been okay. Well, not really. The oral sex yes, but if he had just licked my arch he would have had to get out of de bed. But the combination of the two was extremely sexy. He wasn't even really my type...he was only 5'11" and pretty fair complected. Not my cup of tea. He also had teeny-weeny muscles...no smacking it up, no flipping it, and just a little rubbing down. Oh no!

2. RIMMING (performed on me not by me--by the reflexologist). For those not quite sure of what I'm talking about...Rimming is oral sex -- licking, tonguing, sucking, kissing someone's anus. FYI: the partner with the active tongue is at risk for contracting intestinal parasites that can cause serious health problems. Nuff said! Hope he didn't suffer from any of the intestinal parasites. And if he did it doesn't stop me from laughing about it right now. Oh, and FYI, I am never putting my mouth on someone else's ass...but I am not going to stop you if that is your proclivity...

3. The funniest of all time--not particularly sexy, but it is funny as hell in retrospect, which is why I have to include it. My first one-night stand of the millenium (Summer 2005)...So as I have made abundantly clear, I am a squirter, big-time heavy gusher. So we were fucking and I came on his nice rose-colored antique settee that his grandmother gave him. He was pissed. So we moved from fucking on the settee to fucking beside the settee and I came again--on the front of the settee. This time he started to curse. In my orgasmic haze, I asked him what was wrong. He was mad and told me that I needed to stop pissing everywhere. This brings a tear to my eye even now. He kept his dick inside me and moved me to the other side of the room, where I came again. His response,

"Damn. I've seen squirters in flicks before but I've never had one up close. I didn't know it was so messy."

IT'S FUCKING FLUID (I mean both "fucking fluid" as entity and FUCKING (adj.) fluid), JACKASS!!! Needless to say, he never called again. ROTFLMBFBAO!!!

4. When I was in high school, I invited a young man over for good times after school. Now, this was before I began to actually fuck. So I offered him some blue Kool-Aid that I made especially for the occasion. We were downstairs kissing and fondling and whatnot (which wasn't much more than dry humping. I was a total prude and didn't even allow boys to put their hands down my pants...my how things have changed. Anyway...). This went on for about forty-five minutes to an hour. Suddenly, he heard a noise upstairs. Here's our conversation:

Him: [Breaking kiss and removing hands from my breasts] What was that?!?
Me: [Nonchalantly] Oh, that was my dad (my father was moving away from the kitchen table).

It took him less than a minute to get dressed and leave my house. Anyone who knows my dad would know that he wouldn't care less who I brought in the house or whether I had a baby at fifteen or fifty--he's especially lenient. But that was just hil-the fucking-larious. As he was going out the front door, he asked me why I didn't tell him my father was upstairs. My reply, and I kid you not, "You didn't ask."

4. A friend of mine from middle, high school, and college (in a very weird way) came over to my apartment for a massage. While I was getting the lotion I told him to take his clothes off except for his boxer. This so-and-so had the audacity to come over to my house with hole in his draw'rs. So I told him he had a hole in his boxer at his ass crack. He stuck his finger in the hole and proceeded to rip them off of his body. He was obviously aroused (I give the best massages). He wrapped the boxers he'd torn from his body around his dick and began to prance around in front of the TV with his dick bobbing up and down. What the fuck?!?!?!!??
He seems to think I massaged a hole in his boxers and wants me to buy him a new pair. Oh no, commando, not my problem. His mother obviously never told him that when you go to someone's house of the opposite sex you wear clean underwear (or none at all), just in case you may get some or come close to getting some. Well, my mother never told me that either, but I know better.

More to come...