A Testimony

So I called "him," the medicine man this afternoon to see if I could give his phone number to a friend. He said sure adding that he would like to see me tonight. Oh, okay, I thought. I really wasn't in the mood to see him. Well, I guess the universe picked up on my energy and that is exactly what happened. Okay let me go back to the beginning of February...

So, the medicine man is attractive (his teeth are slowly rotting), but attractive nonetheless. So I end up going home with him. Mistake of all mistakes. I was gone give the combination of Reggie and alcohol--which actually wasn't a lot: three drinks. I shouldn't have wretched...but I did. Anyway, we end up having something close to sex. His dick really isn't that big and he really didn't know how to work it. Not to mention, he didn't eat pussy or maintain an erection for very long. I was very disappointed.

So when he called today after I called him initially to see if I wanted to see him tonight, I told him okay. I just called him and this muthafucka had the audacity to tell me he'd made alternate plans...but he would like to see me. Fuck you! That was my first thought. Now, I'm understand that he isn't worthy. So it's not personal anymore, the fuck you transitioned into fuck him into "Thank you Jesus for that wake up call!" In the end I have yet to meet one that doesn't end up in the,

"Ah, fuck 'im." pile.

But won't it boggle the mind when it finally happens??

I prefer to masturbate

The clitoris destroyer decided to send an email after several months of happy, ameniable silence.

Damn.

I know that he's read some of the posts here. And, if your reading now, know just no. No. I don't want to go down that road again. What do you think will happen the next time you try to dislodge my clit from my body. I will steal you straight in your face. For real.

I simply love my honeypot to subject her to such pain. You did it once, what would I look like allowing you the opportunity to do it again. I am having a real love affair with my pussy lately. I want her to be happy. Plus, precum is such a distraction. No. No, it's not going to happen again. That's the way I've been feeling about most things and people recently. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

So, I've decided from now on...I'll masturbate (or train the weed man).

Thirty minutes from thirty

As I prepare to say goodbye to my 20's, a sense of profound peace has come over me. I had sex last night. Not the best sex ever, but pretty decent sex. I guess it was my way of saying goodbye to my twenties. Interestingly enough, I'm cool. Cool on sex generally. Now, don't get me wrong, I look forward to having more and better sex as I fully awaken in my sexual prime. But, I'm not pressed. Good sex is what you make of it. It's been a real long time since I've had sex with someone that I actually care about. I guess I am a virgin when it comes to making love. I'm okay with that. I feel like it will happen when it's meant to--if at all.

The best sex ever (who was recently replaced), MC, has predominated my thoughts lately. I need to fuck the shit out of him to simply remember. To see if we are better together than we were. I can't imagine it if we were.

Sex is a purely selfish act (for me, anyway). I use my partners to get my jollies off. I do have a bit of concern when it comes to hoping that they have a good time. But, past that, I don't really give a damn. Is that what it means to approach 30?

Who knows? Maybe it'll get better with the weed man. He's sexy as shit and...he's the weed man.

Then there's administrator. He's next....he just doesn't know it yet.

Happy birthday to me!

I'm baaaaack...

In a post soon to be added, I will begin to detail some of my most hillarious sexcapes of recent note. But.....not right now. Be prepared and afraid. Very afraid...

The Ring

Well, I guess I've been taken off the market boys and girls...a permenant satisfaction sort of thing. Here's to your own satisfaction. Take it light!

What's that in your teeth?

So, my ever so gracious partner and I meet for round two. He has reserved a room at a nice hotel and we proceed there to do "the do." I think initially we were both a bit timid. He started to rub my back and since I was doped up (allergies, read: Benedryl) I was nearing a state of dead-as-a-log slumber. I think he sensed just how sleepy I was. He says, "Let's get down to business." And, my friends, it was on.

I cannot begin to explain to you the virtue of a man who knows how to please a woman...orally. Sometimes, I grin and bear it. I just want it over. Then there are other times where all you can say is...

Eat my pussy, please!

The man definitely knows how to worship a woman's honeypot. From this point on, I will serve as a reference. Any women who need to know just how skilled he is can call me. I will let them that like Baby Bear's bed, it was juuuust right. I can't remember the last time I had good oral sex. The last one I was with was horrible--he couldn't find my clitoris. But back to MR. DICK M. DOWN.

I swear he ate my pussy for at LEAST an hour. I have absolutely no complaints. He did this thing with his tongue that I will call "the tornado." It was like his tongue never left my clitoris. It wasn't just circling his tongue around, it was consistent pressure. It wasn't up and down, side to side, or around and around, his tongue was everywhere on my clitoris with the most delicious pressure.

I have no complaints. On a scale of one to ten, he was off the charts except for one little glitch. He was eating me out in the morning. It was better than the night before. Then all of a sudden I felt this excrutiating pain. I felt like he was dragging toothpicks down my clitoris. I felt like someone was clawing at my clit, like someone was stabbing my honeybutton with a spade. What happened you ask?

My clitoris got stuck in the slight gap between his front teeth.

Don't laugh. It isn't funny. And to be fair, he more than made up for it. I had the MOST exquisite orgasm that morning. It was the best orgasm I've had since January (that wasn't by myself).

Oh and I have another BDR--Houston, Texas get ready there's bad dick in town.

Eating Pussy

I cannot stress enough that eating pussy well is an art. It is not something that should be done in order to have the favor returned. You should really love it. The feel, the taste (of some), the smell, how warm it is, the way you can truly discern whether you are pleasing your partner. Wanting to please your partner is simply not enough. You must really enjoy pussy. Let me explain.

I am a dick connoisseur. I love everything about the penis. I love the feeling of my tongue on the head. It is so smooth. Then there's this little scar from early circumcision. It is taunt against my tongue. It fits well within the division on my own tongue. I am completely turned on when I am sliding up and down the shaft. I get carried away in the contrast of sensations as my upper lift glides from the shaft to the head. I love the saltiness of precum. It lets me know I am doing my job. Then, oh great googly, I am captivated by slowly swallowing the dick down my throat. I sincerely love that feeling. I love the smell. I love the taste. I could do it for hours with no expectation of reciprocation. Yes, that much.

Back to the pussy.

I've met someone that can eat pussy...well. I met him on Monday. We met walked around and the next thing I know, I am on a concrete slab with his face between my legs. We were outdoors, cars passing every so often. Then, we moved to his car. Despite my nervousness about getting caught, I came three times. I cannot begin to describe my anticipation. He was between my legs and all I wanted was his dick inside of me. Now, he has skills. For me and the women that I've polled, when a man is orally talanted, while you want the sensations to continue forever, you also want the dick inside of you. I believe that's because I am wet and ready. If it's good, I become wet and willing much quicker than if the oral skills are lacking. Did I mention that I came three times?

We meet tonight for round two....I simply cannot wait.

Ms. Sidra

I would like to introduce my good friend, Ms. Sidra . Worship people....it's necessary.

Why? WHY??!?!

So, I made a mistake. I can admit that. I met someone from an internet dating site. Now, that wasn't my mistake. My mistake was getting out of the car. His words about his car were "Um, I was hit by a bus. I got a settlement, but I'm waiting until later in the year to buy a new car." Now this may very well be true, but that didn't explain the car seat in the backseat of the car. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE the kids. But, he lied on his profile. So at this point, I'm only at double damn. Well, at the end of out meeting in a Quizno parking lot--his suggestion, not mine--we hug. Now that was a great experience. He had an amazing back--very muscular. his back was so unlike the last back that I experienced. HE couldn't even "finish" without his heart thundering in his chest, but that's a story for another post. Anyway, back to the bi-state back... After our hug, I looked at his feet. He had nice shoes and big feet. He was 6' with about a size 11+ shoe. He wasn't my "type" but at the end of the day, I thought--"Well, at least I can fuck him."

To make a long story short, I ended up at his house that evening. Now, Aunt Flo has graciously decided to pay me a visit, so there wasn't going to be any hanky panky, but I could at least see what he was working with. Well, I walk in, he pulls me into a loose embrace and backs me against a wall. He gnashes his teeth against mine. He doesn't kiss me, he sticks his tongue in my mouth and again uses his teeth to strike at mine. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??

Then, he begins to bite my neck. This isn't your regular nibble, these are full out bites. My shirt came up and he started to bite my nipples. Then, he bites my sides. I yell out in pain. There's being nibbled and there's being BITTEN. This muthafucka BIT me. Now, it's been a minute since I've had a hickey, I was fourteen, in fact. But what was on my neck far surpassed a hickey. One woman asked me if I had a wasp bite on my neck. I was too pissed off to say anything other than, "yeah, um-hmm."

Well, here's the kicker. I ask him what his favorite position is and he shows me. He sits me in his lap and proceeds to grind against my ass which I couldn't feel as a result of Aunt Flo setting up camp. Then he busts out with...

"Am I enough for you?"

Wait, WHAT??!?!?!!? So I gracefully dismount to turn around and palm his crotch. Before I could censor myself, I felt the words come out but I was incapable of reeling them back in...

Where are you?

He looked a bit disappointed as he unzipped his pants to show me. But not nearly as disappointed as I was when he showed me his binky. I wanted to shout from the highest point in the Grand Canyon to assure maximum echo "HELL THE FUCK NO, YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR ME." I think he could intuit my reaction because he started to jack himself a bit and told me that he wasn't even excited to see me. Hunh? For real? I don't think that any level of excitement could prepare him for any woman to feel him in her pussy. Period.

Shortly after seeing his ding-ding, I had to go. Why won't he stop calling me? Why is he sending me email? That happened on Thursday of last week. It's Monday. If you've been calling me between two and four times a day and I haven't responded, then I'm probably not going to respond. Why do men do this? They do the same thing when they don't want to be bothered with a woman. I know, I've been ignored before. What does he want from me? Does he want me to tell him his dick is too small. While the my honeypot is not quite the size of the Grand Canyon, I do want to feel a man inside of me. I know for a fact that he would get lost inside of me. Hell, I think that he would get lost in a condom. No, seriously.

He says he called me a few time and noticed that I didn't return his calls. He wants to know what he's done to upset me. He pretended he had a grown man's dick. He told me that he was well-endowed. Really, dog? For real? You can't play baseball with a souvenir bat.

Women, have you ever noticed that men with a crotch blessing never talk about it? They are content to let to experience the ophidian. I'm going to come up with an application and the first question will be: Dick Measurement:__________(those under 6 1/2 inches need not apply). Then I can get his name and other pertinent information.

The day I will pass on cunnilingus...

I will politely reply,

"HELL TO THE NAW!"