Errr....

so i have officially sworn off sex--or at least the pursuit of it. i asked mr. hawkins to bring me home from the airport after i returned from my trip. i thought surely we could begin a conversation about sex and us having some . . . together. boy was i wrong. it's not that i don't find him attractive. but everything that glitters ain't gold. we spent the better part of a twenty minute car trip talking about his ex-girlfriend and how, in their last conversation, he achieved closure. not so, rin tin tin. if fifteen minutes of the conversation was consumed by him telling me how he'd talked to this girl and she'd accused him of calling her a bitch and other unkind words then he isn't over her. he definitely won't be getting anything from me anytime in the near future--especially not a phone call.

i am definitely undersexed. but i think once i had sex at the beginning of november, it set me off on a manhunt. unfortunately, i hadn't had sex for three months prior to that. and then, i had gone . . . well shit, i don't remember. i want to say a couple of years or more, but i'm not sure. why is it that sex comes in spurts? i just want decent sex on the regular. that's it. i don't want a relationship, i don't want a man. i just want to get my rocks off on a regular basis. this relationship stuff is for the birds. women are supposed to want relationships, and love, and marriage, and kids. but, at this point in my life, i don't want love, marriage, or a relationship. i do want children, but you don't have to have a husband or a man to have kids. i can buy a frozen pop.

maybe i'm strange. i want intimacy without having to reveal myself to anyone. i can keep my sex life different from the intimacy that i have found with close friends. those two worlds don't have to cross each other. i am happy with my life. i don't want to sacrifice the person i am to become the person some man wants me to be. i don't do dishes and i'm not washing some man's dirty drawers. i want honest-to-God mutual respect. that only comes about once in every two hundred thousand blue moons. i refuse to spend my days looking for it. while i may not have the best sex everyday, maybe good sex will some day come my way. but for now, my honeypot is "temporarily closed."